My life exposed

Backlash….exposure…..

It seems I have kept many facets of my life separate from each other….all neatly, or not so neatly wrapped up.  Sitting right next to each other, each one aware that the other exists but none aware of what the other one contains.

That is all about to change….it is a good thing.    It just feels so wrong.  It feels like my world and all those wrapped up packages are about to coming crashing into each other….and they are. None of this is happening for a bad reason, it is actually for a wonderful reason.

I am ready for the mess that will ensue, from all those wrappings being thrown every where. Just not so sure that those that be,  feel the same.  We have worked our entire lives to keep everything in its proper place. All separate, all functioning at a different pace from the one next to it.

Now they will learn to work in sync with each other….I hope.


Crumbling

I can feel and see the collapse coming my way. The question is whether or not I can stop it.

It is like watching the ground slowly crumble around me, enough time for me to plan my escape route. I just need to find one.

Not Fitting In

Some times things fit and some times they don’t. When they don’t you have to be willing to back away and say fine.

That whole square peg in a round hole thing, can be   taken a step further.  A square peg will fit in a round hole if the peg is smaller then the circle. Then it will slide right in there and find it’s  place. It will look different then the rest, but it adjusts and finds it’s own little niche.

On the same note, a round peg with not always fit in all round places. It can be a fraction of a millimeter larger then the hole. You won’t see it, you won’t feel, it just won’t fit. You can do measurements and analyze why it doesn’t work, but it doesn’t change the size. You can shave  it or do something to change what it is.


I just think that defeats the purpose.

I think that sometimes you just have to say….it does not fit. period. Let’s move on and cut our losses. There will be more opportunities in the future. There is no need to force this.

I think there comes a time that we need to apply this to our own lives. It can be really difficult, not always an easy thing to accept.  But we certainly need to.

Shame?

The more I speak the more I feel something. I think it might be embarrassment or maybe even shame.

I have felt connected to someone recently. Have started to share some things with this someone. Well, it seems like a nice catch 22. Speak to someone, feel a connection, speak some more. Then comes this horrible feeling. The wanting to disappear. To hide from our past, except it seems to follow us. And now the person that we feel a connection with….*knows* The more they know, the more we disconnect from the world.

We don’t belong in this world. We don’t fit anywhere. Sure, we can adapt to just about any situation, any person. But to have a place where our heart belongs, does not exist.

It has always been like this, you would think that it would be tolerable by now. Maybe it was alright, until we realized it. The realization of not having a place for our heart to belong….hurts.

Our only answer is to disconnect, from everyone and everything. We don’t care, it’s okay. Something we are used to.

What we are not used to, is feeling something. Caring about what people think of us. Wondering if they like us.Thinking they might but when watched closely, realize we are just tolerated. Don’t people realize that they cannot hide all of their feelings? They come through, no matter how hard they try and hide them.

We know we are a pain in the ass. The difference between us and some other people is, we see it, accept it and resolve it. We don’t hang around and push ourselves into everyone’s space. No matter what the situation is.

We have lived this long without ever attaching to anyone. We don’t care.


Done

Done.

I am totally Done.

I will never live up to the expectations of others. I will never be capable of some of the most normal things in life. I will never have adequate intelligence or knowledge. I will never be admired for anything that I did. I will never be looked upon as a person of strength or courage.

A medicore nothing. Period.

Medium. Average.  Medicore.  What horrid terms. I cannot live my life on these terms. I was always taught I was ‘special’ Grew up hearing how special I was.  Turns out that there is nothing extraordinary about me. Well, okay what made me special when I was a child, was the fact that adults wanted to have sex with me….

Have been walking that fine line for a little bit now. Think it keeps getting smaller and smaller. Less difference on which side is which.

I will never be important to anyone. I don’t matter.  I see people disappear when I come around, again and again. Think I finally get the hint.

I will never be special to anyone, at least not for the right reasons. I did have a little bit of hope. I did think that I felt a connection to somebody, but it is gone now. I can see how things have changed. They changed the minute I said anything of importance.. its okay, I am used to being fooled. I do understand that it is the nature of the business.  I did care.

I don’t any more. I get how things work. I don’t belong, any where.


Questions that will never be answered

What is it like to be loved by a parent? That genuine, in your soul, kind of love. I often will look at families, especially Mothers and Daughters. I watch the way they interact with each other. The way they touch each other when they talk or lean in close to one another. ♥♥

What would that be like? Would it fill this huge, empty hole in my soul….would that be filled with all the things it never knew?  Are people born with that hole there and it needs to be filled or does that hole begin to fester and get bigger because it isn’t tended to?

Life is filled with struggles, we all know that. But at what point does it become a ridiculous amount of struggle? At what point, do you say, I give?

Wondering if I am at that point now. I have worked hard to build a decent life. A life I thought was an okay one. A life that I thought, where obstacles had been overcome. Maybe that is the tricky thing about Dissociation, you get to fool yourself. Over and over again.

So here, I sit. Holding my breath, seeing what is around the next corner.  So far, only the boogie man has been there, but that will change at some point, right?

“I Can’t”

Not sure if it is just me, but I get so tired of hearing all the things people can’t do.


I CAN’T  DO THIS, I CAN’T DO THAT     I CAN’T      I CAN’T   It’s too dark, its too  light, too loud, too quiet….argh!!!!

Maybe I am some insensitive oaf and doesn’t understand other peoples feelings. To me it seems that are so many things that are genuinely hard to do. Things that *must* be done but are difficult. We have to work, clean house, care for kids, shop, eat, bathe.  You know, all those fun things. Why would anyone want to add to that list of things.

Yes, there are things that trigger me, things that upset me.  Do I look forward to all of them, no.  I just don’t have the choice, I have to do them.  Maybe, it is when the person I hear saying those things, begins to constantly talk about all the things they aren’t capable of doing. They let it stop their life.

Also, I have noticed that more often then not, the people who are focusing on all the things that trigger them and bother them, are people who have someone to caretake them. They have spouses or partners that  do more then there fair share of things.

Maybe I am jealous that I cannot just crawl in a hole and hide or curl up and die. It  could be jealousy. Have never thought of myself as that type of person, but always a possibility. Or maybe I would rather take pride in the things I can overcome and do. Or maybe I see it has a weakness, to always give in to the hard things. Or maybe I just get really tired of people focusing on all the horrid things in their life.

This actually started out as a pretty angry rant, obviously it has changed tones. I just wish that people would seek attention for more positive steps, then their negative ones.

Butterfly kisses

Butterfly kisses were made to be soft gentle touches, kisses. Cheek to cheek, eyelash to eyelash.

My Dad was pretty nonexistent, growing up. Or so I thought. The more I look at my childhood, the more I see, that he was there.

Unfortunately, not in the best way. He had a commanding presence, carried a lot of influence. He used that to his advantage….whatever.

I do have one, just one, fleeting good memory of him. When he grabbed me, and have me Butterfly kisses. It was for compliance. That doesn’t matter.

I will wrap my heart and soul around that two seconds of my life. Those two seconds, when our eyelashes flutter together and those two seconds when I thought he actually had a genuine love for me.

I love you Daddy, I wish you loved me too.

Up? Down?

Life is such a roller coaster ride. The ups the downs, the gliding in between.

I think that I might be on one of those down swings right now. Can’t seem to

find the upswing yet. I am sure that it will come. The theme of the week seems

to be dying, but that is nothing new.

I don’t tell anyone, I am sure that it would get old hearing it all the time. It

usually leaves as quick as it came.

blah blah blah

There was something to write when I sat down, but seem to have misplaced

it.

Sometimes things are just the way they are

I don’t belong, not now…not before. This will never change. It is easy for me to accept, so why do others feel the need to say otherwise.

I don’t have needs or wants. I don’t have family or parents. I do have children and they are important to me. Having children, is different then having family or parents. They are my responsibility, they were forced on me. I don’t tell them this or behave in a way that would make them think that they were not wanted. I am just stating the truth here.

Most of them were conceived through rape. I could have left, I just didn’t realize things at that time.

So….life moves on.

People will say that they are pathetic, unloved, dumb, ignorant….so many other things. Some say these things because they don’t know better or because they want attention. But what about people who know those things to be true. The PC thing to say, is of course they aren’t true. I am here to say that sometimes they are true. That they apply to me. This doesn’t bother me, just a fact of life.

I dont have needs or wants. Seriously, at this point in my life, if I found that if I did, they would most likely be ignored. Things work well this way. I will not become one of those people who are gushing all over themselves and begging to have their outside needs met by different people.

Self reliance is a great and wonderful thing.

I have tried reaching out lately. Putting myself in positions were I would have a more personal relationships with people. Friendships, therapeutic arrangements, forums. I tried to fit the mold. It is not working out. It is time to disconnect from those things. They don’t work well for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not anti social. I adapt well to social situations. But those are surface things, places were I do not have to show my real self. These other places, are ones that people want to know the *real* me. After all these years, that is not a possibility.

I gave it a try….now I can say, with all of my being, it is not for me.

Some things are just the way they are

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